Yesterday, I met with my church pastor; part of our ongoing dialogue throughout my illness, and support through my passing. We were talking about my difficulty, over the period of cancer treatment, to get any time or space for recovery and activities with my family. I was either too sick from chemotherapy, or cancer-related changes in my body had left me unable to walk or breath effectively, or the cancer had overcome treatments and spread; always just at the wrong time. All plans for family trips came and went, unfulfilled. No attending my son's high school graduation at Woodstock School, India; No visit to New Zealand for the ISF conference; No final fishing trip to Minnesota with my father and sons; And there will be no 20th wedding anniversary for my wife and I, this coming New Year's Eve.
This cancer has been a brutal taskmaster; rapid, aggressive, relentless, unforgiving, no remission, no mercy. At every juncture of this struggle, over the past 15 months, whatever worst could be imagined was delivered by this disease. As a former runner, I would use this analogy: this disease has chased me without stop for over 15 months as I have struggled to keep one step ahead of the pace. Finally, as I approach the finish line of my life, it occurs to me that I am indeed the ultimate winner in this race; because this disease can NOT chase me after the point of death. It can NOT infect my Spirit; and my Spirit will continue live on ... in peace, love, joy, and at rest with the Almighty.
I expressed this insight to my pastor. I greatly respect his intellect and wisdom, and he affirmed the power of that thought. I need to keep my focus on this thought, and its truth, as I face the hardest challenge of my life over the next few weeks; the process of dying from cancer. May this thought help bring me peace and comfort, as well as wonderful expectations beyond the end of my physical existence in this world ....
" This Disease Can NOT Continue to Chase Me After Death "
This cancer has been a brutal taskmaster; rapid, aggressive, relentless, unforgiving, no remission, no mercy. At every juncture of this struggle, over the past 15 months, whatever worst could be imagined was delivered by this disease. As a former runner, I would use this analogy: this disease has chased me without stop for over 15 months as I have struggled to keep one step ahead of the pace. Finally, as I approach the finish line of my life, it occurs to me that I am indeed the ultimate winner in this race; because this disease can NOT chase me after the point of death. It can NOT infect my Spirit; and my Spirit will continue live on ... in peace, love, joy, and at rest with the Almighty.
I expressed this insight to my pastor. I greatly respect his intellect and wisdom, and he affirmed the power of that thought. I need to keep my focus on this thought, and its truth, as I face the hardest challenge of my life over the next few weeks; the process of dying from cancer. May this thought help bring me peace and comfort, as well as wonderful expectations beyond the end of my physical existence in this world ....
" This Disease Can NOT Continue to Chase Me After Death "
7 comments:
Dear Brent,
You are absolutely right that your cancer disease can only affect your physical and stop physical activities but not your sprit, faith, wisdom and love. As people say, good people never die as they leave their good deeds in this world.
As we are all going to meet the death one day, we shouldn't worry about that but continue to do what we want to do while we are alive. I am happy, as others, that you are continue to write, inspire and share with all of us your journey despite your deteriorating health in the past 15 months.
Still I hope and pray to the ALMIGHTY that He shows mercy upon you, reduce your pain and allow you to live as long as it is possible. I also hope that you will have more positive thoughts, despite all the health issues that you will (and want to) live longer rather than thinking of that you are going to live only few more weeks. God may have a bigger plan for you on this earth and let others know through you what the “GOD” can do.
With love and prayer,
Kasi
Brent:
You do not know me. But, I know of you through your parents, primarily your father. John is one of my predecessors at Bethel College where I served as president from 2002 to 2005. During that time he and communicated periodically and I became aware of you and your family, and more recently of your disease.
I spoke with John by telephone this morning. I called him wanting to know how you were doing, how he was doing. He told me of your blog which I have been reading for the last hour. It is poignant, enlightening, emotionally gripping.
Reading your latest entry reminded me of some of the reflections of Emerson, one of my favorite thinkers. Emerson thought carefully about life, also death. He used the image of the circle often in his writings. He envisioned this life as an apprenticeship to the trust that around every circle another can be drawn, and another, and another. It begins with the spirit and contribution of one life that gives energy and power to many others and ultimately extends many layers beyond that initial life. Like tossing a pebble into a stream, a circle is formed that creates ripples that go on and on, that can be seen long after that pebble has disappeared. Although I don't know you personally, from reading your blog and knowing your Dad, that is how I see you, the way Emerson would have also.
May you find peace, comfort, and joy in knowing that you have filled many persons--even those you don't know--with the passion and inspiration of life.
ELEpp
Do Not Lose Heart
Therefore we do not lose heart.
Though outwardly we are wasting away,
yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.
For our light and momentary troubles
are achieving for us an eternal glory
that far outweighs them all.
So we fix our eyes not on what is seen,
but on what is unseen.
For what is seen is temporary,
but what is unseen is eternal.
-- 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 (New International Version)
Dear Brent,
After reading your recent posts, I at first thought perhaps the best I could do is simply say “Amen” to many of the earlier comments by others. The message from Brian and Kyla several days ago, especially, expresses what many of us are thinking, feeling, and wrestling with in your extended family.
I’m reminded by your comments today of a main point from a sermon I heard some 20+ years ago, which I’ll paraphrase. We all know when enough pressure is placed on an orange, the heart and soul of the orange – the juice – is made visible for all to see and experience.
The same is true in the spiritual world. When Christians face the pressures and realities of life, the core of our faith and who we are is made visible for all to see and experience; both Christians and non-Christians.
Your faith has certainly been shining through as a witness to others during this journey. As Brian said, be assured you are leaving a legacy, including for those who have been reading your blogs or will read them in the days ahead.
Your reference to the race analogy also reminds me of Paul’s words to Timothy in Scripture. Truly, you have fought the good fight, kept the faith, and been a witness and model for others as you’ve run the race.
Our continued prayers, love and support.
Stan and Julie Zehr
Dear Doc,
The other day, I happened to see a movie "Saving Milli". A story of a lady struck with Parkinsons. The husband in a moment of severe grief, goes to church to pray and recalls the words of a friend who has said, "the greatest prayer in the world is THANK YOU".
His thanks are for Milli chosing him as her husband, bearing his children and bringing him bursts of scintillating joy in their 20 year marraige.
Lilly & I can't help recollecting our lunch together with you which left both of us privileged to have shared your thoughts on Life, Faith, Children, etc. We would like to express our 'Thank You' to God.
However, we still can't but believe that our discussions were incomplete. We believe, we will still take off where we left at that lunch interrupted by work.
Hope the temptation of another lunch is enough to get you back.
sincerley
Michael
Dear Dr. Brent,
This disease certainly can not continue to chase you due to your tremendous faith in God. And you are absolutely right that you will be ahead of the disease to reach the “Finish Line of Life”; beyond which is a place of perfect peace, where hearts are free from care, and only and only love of God is there.
Brent, ever since I came to know about your illness, I had the desire to see you. I fulfilled this desire on Wednesday, September 26, 2007. Fulfillment of this desire once has created more desires…! But more desires will remain unfulfilled; there would be no exchange of emails, no conversations on the phone, and no physical meetings. But I will always remain overwhelmed by your memories, spirit, faith in God, your writings in Brent’s Blog. Though you will be physically gone, you will live in my (and many others) heart and soul. I have always cherished our working relationship, though for a limited time (April 2003 – October 2004).
What an irony. We were earlier praying for your recovery from the disease, and now we have to pray for your comfortable and painless journey beyond the “Finish Line of Life”. So, we do pray to God to give you relief from the pain in your leg and body, to let you live, and spend time with your family, as long as possible. And after you are gone, may ALMIGHTY give support and strength to your family to bear your separation, and to flourish your mission of high spirit, faith in God, and noble deeds for the service of the mankind.
Wishing you all the best and with special prayers for you. We will be accepting your loss with heavy heartS, and yet we have faith and say "GOD IS GREATY".
Gurdial Sidhu
Brent -
We have been following your blog since its initiation and have been truly amazed at your frankness, honesty and depth of sharing your personal feelings during this journey. While not having been too expressive of your frustrations, it has to be discouraging and frustrating for a once strong healthy individual in their prime to experience the rapid regression of health, strength and stamina when your body has failed to respond to all of the latest advancements in medical technology.
When I reflect on the memories I have of your life, shared in a Canadian fishing trip, family reunions, you and Usha staying at our house in Wisconsin, seen Brian and Ben rapidly grow up, observed your love of fishing tranferred into Brian's life, seen your expressions in your large dark eyes, it is obvious why your feelings could be filled with frustrations and bitterness. Yet you have sustained yourself through this dark valley by walking with God, and proven yourself to be an effective witness to the love of Christ from deep within.
As you continue this journey, may the love of Christ continue to sustain you. May His grace and mercy grant you peace, patience, understanding and acceptance as you transition to a new life in eternity which we here on earth as yet do not understand.
May He also provide strength, peace and mercy upon all of your immediate family.
God's contiued love and blessing to you.
Ron and Lila
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