Every morning the past few weeks, I have taken a walk around the neighborhood. It's not just about exercise, but my walk is a form of worship and mediation. It is my time to say morning prayers, feeling an appreciation for God's creation ("breathing in nature"), and contemplating the day ahead.
We have a wonderful set of trees in this neighborhood; they are the highlight of the nature walk. There is nothing more wondrous in God's creation than a beautiful tree; pine, oak, chestnut, willow, tulip, sweet gum, alder, linden, maple ... they are all inspiring. But the greatest of all trees in our neighborhood is a large Hackberry tree. It is majestic above all others; healthy beyond description, dark green in color, huge strong trunk - well trimmed over the years. Hackberry trees are not normally the best of the lot when planted in a grove with other types. They tend to get crowded out and have sparse growth. But our neighborhood Hackberry has been given enough space to show its potential, with lower branches trimmed and well cared for over the years; until it is now an order of magnitude more splendid than all the rest, beautifully shaped and majestic in height.
It seems to myself that our neighborhood Hackberry tree is an analogy to human beings. When crowded and discouraged, it is hard to show our true potential. However, when properly nurtured, and given room to grow, our gifts can be obvious to whomever cares to look.
I am taking a lesson from this tree everyday. I hope each of you will have space and encouragement to reach full potential. Unlike trees, our growth as human beings never ends in the areas that really matter.
BRENT
Thursday, June 21, 2007
My Virtual Family Reunion
Last weekend was the annual family reunion gathering at my Uncle's place in Indiana. It is held each year in June, and we have been attending whenever possible for over 15 years. Our extended family numbers over 70 (or maybe 80 now) and we enjoy each other's company; so this is an event to look forward each year. Considering my health problems, I really wanted to attend this year. After all, these are the people who have helped form the foundation of my life; and considering the difficult outlook of my condition, I just don't know if this will be a final chance to see everyone (I am sorry to say this, but it is true - one never knows). I also knew that the reunion weekend would be at the low point of my immunity during this round of chemo treatment. My doctor left strict benchmarks to meet in blood chemistry before I could drive there, but my system couldn't manage. Severe disappointment would be an understatement of my feelings.
A satisfying solution was arranged by my sons. They took their laptops to the reunion, and via broadband and Skype (Internet audio - video conference software), I was able to see and talk to everyone over two days; and they could see/hear me also while I was sitting at home. In fact, it was really fun; a kind of novelty for everyone. I kept joking that only my head attended the reunion. A talking head in a computer box; kind of like a science exhibit. We (my wife and I) were also able to follow the Sunday morning worship service; and participate in the special prayer said by everyone for us. It was a bit strange seeing everyone gather around the laptop there, to pray for us on the other side. At least we didn't try laying of hands on the screen, or anointing with oil on the keyboard ! But it was very meaningful anyway.
This went a long way toward removing feelings of disappointment and loss. I'm satisfied with how things worked out; my mind is at peace and it turned out to be a memorable event on both sides of the wireless link. Still, anyone who wants to visit me in person, please do so; you are always welcome.
Praise God for technology, and children who know how to use it.
BRENT
A satisfying solution was arranged by my sons. They took their laptops to the reunion, and via broadband and Skype (Internet audio - video conference software), I was able to see and talk to everyone over two days; and they could see/hear me also while I was sitting at home. In fact, it was really fun; a kind of novelty for everyone. I kept joking that only my head attended the reunion. A talking head in a computer box; kind of like a science exhibit. We (my wife and I) were also able to follow the Sunday morning worship service; and participate in the special prayer said by everyone for us. It was a bit strange seeing everyone gather around the laptop there, to pray for us on the other side. At least we didn't try laying of hands on the screen, or anointing with oil on the keyboard ! But it was very meaningful anyway.
This went a long way toward removing feelings of disappointment and loss. I'm satisfied with how things worked out; my mind is at peace and it turned out to be a memorable event on both sides of the wireless link. Still, anyone who wants to visit me in person, please do so; you are always welcome.
Praise God for technology, and children who know how to use it.
BRENT
Fear, Anxiety, and Lament
I have received very nice comments about this blog site, and how it is helpful to others suffering either directly or indirectly from various forms of this disease. I really appreciate these comments, and it has been my intention to focus on positive points as I describe my experiences and feelings. It is relatively easy to spend days thinking about what to say in a blog, and clear the mind to focus on positive points. But to only do this would not be completely truthful, or honest. There are many moments when anxiety and fear take hold of the mind; and when it is all too easy to lament what is thought to be lost from life. These moments come quickly, and for me it has been when symptoms of disease progression appear.
I have had two episodes of coughing small amounts of blood; which have immediately brought on feelings of fear and anxiety. Despite many hours of working on acceptance of my situation and prayer for peace and calm; as soon as this symptom appeared, it resulted in feelings of panic and resignation …. Feelings that this disease is beyond the reach of my doctors, and life’s end will come sooner than expected in a very ugly manner. In other words, I think all patients in this situation can work on emotional and spiritual growth; but when the first real physical challenges arise it is all too easy to fail the test. The first time this happened was just before my new round of chemotherapy began, and was probably brought on by the earlier biopsy which disturbed the largest tumor. The second episode was 10 days after my chemo treatment, and again happened after a long day of visiting with friends who came from out of town; and could have been from the same cause, or could be due to effects the chemo drugs are having on the tumors (good news). Neither time was it serious enough to need medical attention, and soon went away. But the effect on my mental state was really disappointing. The day after my second experience, I had a visit from one of our church elders. As I shared these experiences and my disappointment, he was able to relate to his own experience of having a “false tumor” in his brain. While this turned out to be non-malignant, he also went through a period of doubt about his life and learned to navigate through the emotional ups and downs. What has to be faced are “feelings about the feelings”, and taking the approach that these will pass - even in the worst of times. Dealing with these issues now can bring greater stability for the difficult times we will face in the future.
Another, more trivial, issue relates to a chemo side-effect. I have not had many serious chemo side-effects so far (many friends have been praying that I would tolerate these treatments without serious problems, and it is working), but one constant has been skin rash. With the new chemo drugs, my immune system is under greater stress - and this time I had one particular rash which continued to spread. I tried everything from anti-bacterial cream, to anti-fungal cream, etc., but it keep spreading and itching. My attitude of anxiety about this rash was very irritating to my wife, for what seemed to be such a trivial issue. But to my mind, it represented my body beginning to fail; the long term chemotherapy finally taking an ugly turn … all sorts of fears wrapped up in this simple thing. In the middle of one particularly troublesome night, I got tired of the itching and decided to try the opposite approach – removing all cream and washing with a skin drying soap used normally for skin acne. The next morning, the rash had stopped, and after a few days it was gone. What does it all mean? Stop the panic mode when even little things go wrong, and my body is still functioning well. But more importantly, it is a microcosm of the possibilities. When at first a treatment approach does not work, there is always the possibility that something else will work … so don’t give up; whether a simple rash or cancer itself.
Now, a discussion of lament; the temptation to focus on what we think has been taken away. The following is a note I wrote to my brother soon after my diagnosis of spread to my lungs, and during the week before my family arrived back from India (when I felt most alone). I will paraphrase, because the original was lost when my old laptop computer crashed:
“Sometimes I feel that God has taken away everything I cherish and worked for in my life:
- A future with my children; seeing them grow up, graduate from school, start families of their own.
- A future with my wife; travel and activities we had planned together when the children reached college age.
- My career and the fruits of hard work for the past years; all the rewarding experiences which should be coming now after years of research work to improve our company products.
- Spending what could be the last week of good health in my life, alone without my wife and children.
But still, after all this, I know that God is there and challenging me to grow closer to Him. Perhaps this is what I need to totally focus on growth of my spiritual relationship with God.”
I am only satisfied with the last part of this message. The first part serves no purpose, but is probably something we all must go through. It is part of being human. After return of my family, and going through the first two weeks of new chemotherapy, I can report that nothing has been taken from my life (here and now) and I still feel healthy. So let us do away with lamentation.
Psalm 84 to 91 is inspiring reading, and covers many emotions that are part of the human condition. Some verses which relate to these issues (NIV):
Fear and Anxiety (Psalm 88: 1-4)
“O Lord, the God who saves me, day and night I cry out before you. May my prayer come before you; turn your ear to my cry. For my soul is full of trouble and my life draws near the grave. I am counted among those who go to the pit; I am like a man without strength.”
Seeking God’s Peace and Salvation through Faith (Psalm 85:7-11)
“Show us your unfailing love, O Lord, and grant us your salvation. I will listen to what God the Lord will say; he promises peace to his people, but let them not return to folly. Surely his salvation is near those who fear him, that his glory may dwell in our land. Love and faithfulness meet together; righteousness and peace kiss each other. Faithfulness springs forth from the earth, and righteousness looks down from heaven.”
Finding Strength during the Journey (Psalm 84: 4-7, 12)
“Blessed are those who dwell in your house; they are ever praising you. Blessed are those whose strength is in you, who have set their hearts on pilgrimage. As they pass through the Valley of Baca, they make it a place of springs; the autumn rains also cover it with pools. They go from strength to strength; till each appears before God in Zion. … O Lord Almighty, blessed is the man who trusts in you.”
Taking Refuge in the Lord (Psalm 91: 2-4, 14-16)
“I will say of the Lord, ‘He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.’ Surely he will save you from the fowler’s snare and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.”
“‘Because he loves me’, says the Lord, ‘I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation.”
Recently, I read a newspaper article about a retired school teacher who has now dedicated her life to working with orphans in Africa. Despite a very serious heart condition, she continues to live and work in Africa under very difficult conditions. When asked how she copes, her response was simple … “I have learned to place all things in God’s hands”. May this be the reality for myself, and everyone.
BRENT
I have had two episodes of coughing small amounts of blood; which have immediately brought on feelings of fear and anxiety. Despite many hours of working on acceptance of my situation and prayer for peace and calm; as soon as this symptom appeared, it resulted in feelings of panic and resignation …. Feelings that this disease is beyond the reach of my doctors, and life’s end will come sooner than expected in a very ugly manner. In other words, I think all patients in this situation can work on emotional and spiritual growth; but when the first real physical challenges arise it is all too easy to fail the test. The first time this happened was just before my new round of chemotherapy began, and was probably brought on by the earlier biopsy which disturbed the largest tumor. The second episode was 10 days after my chemo treatment, and again happened after a long day of visiting with friends who came from out of town; and could have been from the same cause, or could be due to effects the chemo drugs are having on the tumors (good news). Neither time was it serious enough to need medical attention, and soon went away. But the effect on my mental state was really disappointing. The day after my second experience, I had a visit from one of our church elders. As I shared these experiences and my disappointment, he was able to relate to his own experience of having a “false tumor” in his brain. While this turned out to be non-malignant, he also went through a period of doubt about his life and learned to navigate through the emotional ups and downs. What has to be faced are “feelings about the feelings”, and taking the approach that these will pass - even in the worst of times. Dealing with these issues now can bring greater stability for the difficult times we will face in the future.
Another, more trivial, issue relates to a chemo side-effect. I have not had many serious chemo side-effects so far (many friends have been praying that I would tolerate these treatments without serious problems, and it is working), but one constant has been skin rash. With the new chemo drugs, my immune system is under greater stress - and this time I had one particular rash which continued to spread. I tried everything from anti-bacterial cream, to anti-fungal cream, etc., but it keep spreading and itching. My attitude of anxiety about this rash was very irritating to my wife, for what seemed to be such a trivial issue. But to my mind, it represented my body beginning to fail; the long term chemotherapy finally taking an ugly turn … all sorts of fears wrapped up in this simple thing. In the middle of one particularly troublesome night, I got tired of the itching and decided to try the opposite approach – removing all cream and washing with a skin drying soap used normally for skin acne. The next morning, the rash had stopped, and after a few days it was gone. What does it all mean? Stop the panic mode when even little things go wrong, and my body is still functioning well. But more importantly, it is a microcosm of the possibilities. When at first a treatment approach does not work, there is always the possibility that something else will work … so don’t give up; whether a simple rash or cancer itself.
Now, a discussion of lament; the temptation to focus on what we think has been taken away. The following is a note I wrote to my brother soon after my diagnosis of spread to my lungs, and during the week before my family arrived back from India (when I felt most alone). I will paraphrase, because the original was lost when my old laptop computer crashed:
“Sometimes I feel that God has taken away everything I cherish and worked for in my life:
- A future with my children; seeing them grow up, graduate from school, start families of their own.
- A future with my wife; travel and activities we had planned together when the children reached college age.
- My career and the fruits of hard work for the past years; all the rewarding experiences which should be coming now after years of research work to improve our company products.
- Spending what could be the last week of good health in my life, alone without my wife and children.
But still, after all this, I know that God is there and challenging me to grow closer to Him. Perhaps this is what I need to totally focus on growth of my spiritual relationship with God.”
I am only satisfied with the last part of this message. The first part serves no purpose, but is probably something we all must go through. It is part of being human. After return of my family, and going through the first two weeks of new chemotherapy, I can report that nothing has been taken from my life (here and now) and I still feel healthy. So let us do away with lamentation.
Psalm 84 to 91 is inspiring reading, and covers many emotions that are part of the human condition. Some verses which relate to these issues (NIV):
Fear and Anxiety (Psalm 88: 1-4)
“O Lord, the God who saves me, day and night I cry out before you. May my prayer come before you; turn your ear to my cry. For my soul is full of trouble and my life draws near the grave. I am counted among those who go to the pit; I am like a man without strength.”
Seeking God’s Peace and Salvation through Faith (Psalm 85:7-11)
“Show us your unfailing love, O Lord, and grant us your salvation. I will listen to what God the Lord will say; he promises peace to his people, but let them not return to folly. Surely his salvation is near those who fear him, that his glory may dwell in our land. Love and faithfulness meet together; righteousness and peace kiss each other. Faithfulness springs forth from the earth, and righteousness looks down from heaven.”
Finding Strength during the Journey (Psalm 84: 4-7, 12)
“Blessed are those who dwell in your house; they are ever praising you. Blessed are those whose strength is in you, who have set their hearts on pilgrimage. As they pass through the Valley of Baca, they make it a place of springs; the autumn rains also cover it with pools. They go from strength to strength; till each appears before God in Zion. … O Lord Almighty, blessed is the man who trusts in you.”
Taking Refuge in the Lord (Psalm 91: 2-4, 14-16)
“I will say of the Lord, ‘He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.’ Surely he will save you from the fowler’s snare and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.”
“‘Because he loves me’, says the Lord, ‘I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation.”
Recently, I read a newspaper article about a retired school teacher who has now dedicated her life to working with orphans in Africa. Despite a very serious heart condition, she continues to live and work in Africa under very difficult conditions. When asked how she copes, her response was simple … “I have learned to place all things in God’s hands”. May this be the reality for myself, and everyone.
BRENT
Sunday, June 10, 2007
When is purchase of a new computer, an act of Faith ?
Sometime last week (I don't remember the exact day), before my latest treatment started, I was having problems with my laptop computer. It simply wouldn't boot up properly; kept going in loops. My father and I went to a computer store for a diagnostic test; to find out if some recent software we had installed was causing this problem. Well, after a long day of tests, I received a call from the expert informing that my "hard disk is dying". After I received the computer back, sure enough it was finished. You may be able to guess my first thought after that .... My faithful little laptop, which had seen me through much work and travel over the past 5 years, was dying - and perhaps so am I. Are we both going out together? Is there any point in my purchasing a new one?
The next day, my family finally arrived from India; and the question of purchasing a new laptop computer came up (my oldest son also needs one for his University studies). My wife would not hear of such non-sense; that I may not live long enough to make use of a new laptop. So off we went to the computer store.
So I ask you .... Is my purchase of a new laptop computer an act of Faith ?? The answer is Yes .... Faith in the future, but also faith that I will make good use of the computer in whatever time is present. In just the same way that everyone's normal daily activities are acts of faith. We all get up in the morning, go to work, drive the car, etc.; all on faith that our lives will continue and will be productive. The truth is that our lives could change forever at any moment, but we have faith to carry on despite this possibility. So why not me also?
As my wife says .... "Do not be so concerned with worries of tomorrow, that you forget to live today." It is great to have such a wife as this. I will try to put this new laptop to good use, for these Blog entries and other things.
BRENT
The next day, my family finally arrived from India; and the question of purchasing a new laptop computer came up (my oldest son also needs one for his University studies). My wife would not hear of such non-sense; that I may not live long enough to make use of a new laptop. So off we went to the computer store.
So I ask you .... Is my purchase of a new laptop computer an act of Faith ?? The answer is Yes .... Faith in the future, but also faith that I will make good use of the computer in whatever time is present. In just the same way that everyone's normal daily activities are acts of faith. We all get up in the morning, go to work, drive the car, etc.; all on faith that our lives will continue and will be productive. The truth is that our lives could change forever at any moment, but we have faith to carry on despite this possibility. So why not me also?
As my wife says .... "Do not be so concerned with worries of tomorrow, that you forget to live today." It is great to have such a wife as this. I will try to put this new laptop to good use, for these Blog entries and other things.
BRENT
Chemotherapy .. again .. and thankfulness
Dear Friends,
This week, I have started on another course of chemotherapy. After again consulting with my doctor last Monday, it was clear that we had to move rapidly to proceed with a different course of chemotherapy which is the next logical step for someone in my position. The nodules inside my lungs are also growing very rapidly, so we cannot spare any time in trying to slow this process. I took the new chemotherapy course on Tuesday, which was a 10 hour procedure on an outpatient basis. Applying the two chemo drugs does not take so long, but application of a protectant for my kidneys and bladder took 8 hours. Anyway, we spent the day in the outpatient clinic and had visitors come and go. These are two drugs which are different from those I took over 9 months previously. By Wednesday morning I was complaining to my wife, that I just didn't feel sick. In fact, this week I have felt less ill than normally would happen with the other chemo course experience. By today, Sunday, the only real difference is that the new chemo drugs seem to give more fatigue; but other side effects are less than before. I know that this is a blessing; but start to question whether these drugs will slow my nodule growth if they are not causing more illness in my normal cells. My doctor assures me that there is no relationship between the two processes; and I just seem to tolerate chemotherapy better than most people. Again, another blessing and reason to be joyful.
We will visit my doctor every Monday now, and take blood tests every week. The goal will be to again take another round of chemotherapy as soon as my immune system allows; in order to hit these cancer cells hard and often. I have also taken more responsibility to research my rare cancer type via Internet; and better understand what is known and can be done. This process leaves one humbled, and aware that there are limits to what a doctor can do in this situation. My condition is so rare, and more so in adults, that what is known as effective treatment is very limited. New drugs are available for various mechanisms of control, but all studied in more common forms of cancer (such as colon, prostate, breast, melanoma, etc). For a pleomorphic rhabdomyosarcoma in a middle-aged adult, much is speculation. I also more clearly understand that the new experimental drug treatment in Phase I trials in which we were interested, would not be appropriate and could waste valuable time. This drug would be appropriate for children with embryonic rhabdo (born with the condition, due to genetic errors at time of fertilization); but my condition is of a different origin (adult muscle tissue). I have some ideas for best approaches going forward, but need to explore these further. It is most important now for the current growth rate of my lung nodules to slow down or stop (or even reverse). So I will keep taking these current treatments and have faith in such a result.
There are a number of areas of my life to be thankful this week:
-- My family is finally reunited after many months. My oldest son has graduated from Woodstock School (International) in Mussoorie, India; and has returned to my home in the U.S. with my youngest son and wife. We have not been able to live together as a family for about 2 years. My oldest son will go to the University in our town, while my youngest son will enroll in high school here in the U.S. Last year, while I was going through surgery and my first 9 months of chemotherapy, the youngest son stayed in India with friends. My wife is also taking a leave of absence from our work, much as myself, so we can focus on facing these coming months together.
-- We are grateful for the education and care given to my oldest son by the faculty and staff at Woodstock School over these past two years. He has been well prepared for University experience.
-- We are in the somewhat unusual situation of living with my parents (only unusual by US convention, but would not be so in India). They are getting older now, and can also use our support. It is refreshing for them to have us in the house; and our house is large and comfortable.
-- My sister-in-law came to stay with us for the week. She lives in Wisconsin, and is a great support; always positive and ready with a joke or good back-rub. She is also a great cook. She was a great support to us back in September when we were in NYC for my initial procedures. I am glad that we are closer now, so we can see both her and family more often.
-- We received a wonderful visit from friends on Saturday; whom we had not seen in years. It was great to catch up on each other's families. We were neighbors during my time on faculty at Purdue University, over 10 years ago. All in all, a nice day and one in which I had energy to give.
-- I continue to gain new understanding of how much love and support surrounds us all. A sharing of vision from one of my greatest pen-pals (email pals) has made it clear that God is watching over me during this time; and I am not alone during my long treatments or at any other time. Although we should live by faith, and not by sight; it is still reassuring to have these reminders.
-- We get continuous support from our Church family; in the form of cookies or phone calls or visits. Even those who also have health and family concerns go out of their way to keep touch and show support. These acts of kindness mean so much.
-- The ability of my body to withstand chemotherapy is still strong; in fact I find it somewhat amazing. Surely this is a gift from God.
-- The weather has been beautiful here; and I am healthy enough to go on walks with friends and sit outside on the backyard swing to write this Blog.
Some Bible verses which have spoken to my heart this week:
2 Corinthians 6:1-2 (NIV) .. Given by my brother, who has been consistent in suggesting inspiring Bible verses:
" As God's fellow workers we urge you not to receive God's grace in vain. For he says, 'In the time of my favor I heard you, and in the day of salvation I helped you.' I tell you, now is the time of God's favor, now is the day of salvation ! "
Psalm 139:23-24 (NIV) .. Read during morning devotions of our family:
" Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. "
May God's peace and comfort be with all of you.
Your Friend,
BRENT
P.S. To all of my friends & colleagues from India. I greatly appreciate your adding comments of support to this Blog. I have only one request; although the formality of Indian work culture leads you to refer to me as "Sir", it is not necessary. This Bolg is about friendship. Please use my name: Brent.
This week, I have started on another course of chemotherapy. After again consulting with my doctor last Monday, it was clear that we had to move rapidly to proceed with a different course of chemotherapy which is the next logical step for someone in my position. The nodules inside my lungs are also growing very rapidly, so we cannot spare any time in trying to slow this process. I took the new chemotherapy course on Tuesday, which was a 10 hour procedure on an outpatient basis. Applying the two chemo drugs does not take so long, but application of a protectant for my kidneys and bladder took 8 hours. Anyway, we spent the day in the outpatient clinic and had visitors come and go. These are two drugs which are different from those I took over 9 months previously. By Wednesday morning I was complaining to my wife, that I just didn't feel sick. In fact, this week I have felt less ill than normally would happen with the other chemo course experience. By today, Sunday, the only real difference is that the new chemo drugs seem to give more fatigue; but other side effects are less than before. I know that this is a blessing; but start to question whether these drugs will slow my nodule growth if they are not causing more illness in my normal cells. My doctor assures me that there is no relationship between the two processes; and I just seem to tolerate chemotherapy better than most people. Again, another blessing and reason to be joyful.
We will visit my doctor every Monday now, and take blood tests every week. The goal will be to again take another round of chemotherapy as soon as my immune system allows; in order to hit these cancer cells hard and often. I have also taken more responsibility to research my rare cancer type via Internet; and better understand what is known and can be done. This process leaves one humbled, and aware that there are limits to what a doctor can do in this situation. My condition is so rare, and more so in adults, that what is known as effective treatment is very limited. New drugs are available for various mechanisms of control, but all studied in more common forms of cancer (such as colon, prostate, breast, melanoma, etc). For a pleomorphic rhabdomyosarcoma in a middle-aged adult, much is speculation. I also more clearly understand that the new experimental drug treatment in Phase I trials in which we were interested, would not be appropriate and could waste valuable time. This drug would be appropriate for children with embryonic rhabdo (born with the condition, due to genetic errors at time of fertilization); but my condition is of a different origin (adult muscle tissue). I have some ideas for best approaches going forward, but need to explore these further. It is most important now for the current growth rate of my lung nodules to slow down or stop (or even reverse). So I will keep taking these current treatments and have faith in such a result.
There are a number of areas of my life to be thankful this week:
-- My family is finally reunited after many months. My oldest son has graduated from Woodstock School (International) in Mussoorie, India; and has returned to my home in the U.S. with my youngest son and wife. We have not been able to live together as a family for about 2 years. My oldest son will go to the University in our town, while my youngest son will enroll in high school here in the U.S. Last year, while I was going through surgery and my first 9 months of chemotherapy, the youngest son stayed in India with friends. My wife is also taking a leave of absence from our work, much as myself, so we can focus on facing these coming months together.
-- We are grateful for the education and care given to my oldest son by the faculty and staff at Woodstock School over these past two years. He has been well prepared for University experience.
-- We are in the somewhat unusual situation of living with my parents (only unusual by US convention, but would not be so in India). They are getting older now, and can also use our support. It is refreshing for them to have us in the house; and our house is large and comfortable.
-- My sister-in-law came to stay with us for the week. She lives in Wisconsin, and is a great support; always positive and ready with a joke or good back-rub. She is also a great cook. She was a great support to us back in September when we were in NYC for my initial procedures. I am glad that we are closer now, so we can see both her and family more often.
-- We received a wonderful visit from friends on Saturday; whom we had not seen in years. It was great to catch up on each other's families. We were neighbors during my time on faculty at Purdue University, over 10 years ago. All in all, a nice day and one in which I had energy to give.
-- I continue to gain new understanding of how much love and support surrounds us all. A sharing of vision from one of my greatest pen-pals (email pals) has made it clear that God is watching over me during this time; and I am not alone during my long treatments or at any other time. Although we should live by faith, and not by sight; it is still reassuring to have these reminders.
-- We get continuous support from our Church family; in the form of cookies or phone calls or visits. Even those who also have health and family concerns go out of their way to keep touch and show support. These acts of kindness mean so much.
-- The ability of my body to withstand chemotherapy is still strong; in fact I find it somewhat amazing. Surely this is a gift from God.
-- The weather has been beautiful here; and I am healthy enough to go on walks with friends and sit outside on the backyard swing to write this Blog.
Some Bible verses which have spoken to my heart this week:
2 Corinthians 6:1-2 (NIV) .. Given by my brother, who has been consistent in suggesting inspiring Bible verses:
" As God's fellow workers we urge you not to receive God's grace in vain. For he says, 'In the time of my favor I heard you, and in the day of salvation I helped you.' I tell you, now is the time of God's favor, now is the day of salvation ! "
Psalm 139:23-24 (NIV) .. Read during morning devotions of our family:
" Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. "
May God's peace and comfort be with all of you.
Your Friend,
BRENT
P.S. To all of my friends & colleagues from India. I greatly appreciate your adding comments of support to this Blog. I have only one request; although the formality of Indian work culture leads you to refer to me as "Sir", it is not necessary. This Bolg is about friendship. Please use my name: Brent.
Saturday, June 2, 2007
Biopsy Results and What Comes Next
Dear Friends,
We received the results of the lung biopsy, which were in line with what was expected. The nodules are the same tissue type as found in my leg initially back in September; a high grade pleomorphic sarcoma tissue. This means that there will be rapid growth, and it is urgent to take treatment course as soon as possible. The complication in treatment has been follow up on an experimental drug trial going on at another cancer center; and whether it would be wise to participate in that along with my normal chemo course. Or the other option is to stay with my current oncologist and take the more known treatments as a first course of action. We have more or less decided to take the treatments here with my current oncologist, because the drugs used would be better understood. The experimental treatment trial is initial stage, and even the correct dosages would be unknown; which could do as much harm as good. I only wish we had more time to understand these issues better.
Another complicating factor has been the absence of my wife for the past week. She had gone to India with my younger son, with intention of attending my oldest son's high school graduation from June 6 to 8th. Since the pathology report indicates reocurrence, we decided that she would bring both sons back home here to the US immediately so we can take these key decisions together. Next Monday is another doctor consolation, and likely the start of my next treatment schedule. The goal is to at least stop growth of the nodules, and take decisions from there in terms of removal or other possibilities. In other words, buy some time until better options are available. I do have some statistics on probabilities for this next treatment course, but I don't think it is helpful to get into such things because each person is different.
On the personal side, I have spend this past week with my parents, but without my wife and children (they were in India). It was a difficult time because I sometimes feel that the week has been wasted while waiting for results to become available. Physically, I feel so normal right now that I would have rather been spending quality time with my children. I continue to receive Bible readings and words of comfort from many friends, by either email or comments in this Blog. All are appreciated, and have helped me in getting through this week. I spent much time in walking, yoga, reading and reflecting this past week; sometimes with friends but mostly by myself. This has been a time of reminding that God is always there, and these quiet times before the storm are for listening to Him, growing closer to understanding of His heart and the meaning of His plans. But this can only happen if we move away from self-centered focus and take time to seek guidance and listen for answers to prayer. Easy to say, but hard to do.
One other difficulty in the coming days will be discussing the situation with my children. While they know that the cancer has reoccurred, the serious implications are not yet clear. This will be emotionally difficult for all of us to discuss, but we must all come to the same level of understanding if we are to spend meaningful time together. In this area especially, I feel great need for prayerful support and guidance.
Bible verse which has been very meaningful this week in daily devotions:
Philippians 4:4-7 (NIV)
"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
Prayer requests for this week:
- Safety of travel for my wife and children from India to our home in the US.
- Wisdom to make the right decision on treatment options, by both ourselves and our doctors.
- Strength to go through the new treatment phase.
- Wisdom and words to express this situation to our children, but yet be a comfort to them as we go through this phase together. That our children may be drawn to a deeper faith in God as a result.
Thank you all. Comments to these Blog posts are encouraging and very welcome.
BRENT
We received the results of the lung biopsy, which were in line with what was expected. The nodules are the same tissue type as found in my leg initially back in September; a high grade pleomorphic sarcoma tissue. This means that there will be rapid growth, and it is urgent to take treatment course as soon as possible. The complication in treatment has been follow up on an experimental drug trial going on at another cancer center; and whether it would be wise to participate in that along with my normal chemo course. Or the other option is to stay with my current oncologist and take the more known treatments as a first course of action. We have more or less decided to take the treatments here with my current oncologist, because the drugs used would be better understood. The experimental treatment trial is initial stage, and even the correct dosages would be unknown; which could do as much harm as good. I only wish we had more time to understand these issues better.
Another complicating factor has been the absence of my wife for the past week. She had gone to India with my younger son, with intention of attending my oldest son's high school graduation from June 6 to 8th. Since the pathology report indicates reocurrence, we decided that she would bring both sons back home here to the US immediately so we can take these key decisions together. Next Monday is another doctor consolation, and likely the start of my next treatment schedule. The goal is to at least stop growth of the nodules, and take decisions from there in terms of removal or other possibilities. In other words, buy some time until better options are available. I do have some statistics on probabilities for this next treatment course, but I don't think it is helpful to get into such things because each person is different.
On the personal side, I have spend this past week with my parents, but without my wife and children (they were in India). It was a difficult time because I sometimes feel that the week has been wasted while waiting for results to become available. Physically, I feel so normal right now that I would have rather been spending quality time with my children. I continue to receive Bible readings and words of comfort from many friends, by either email or comments in this Blog. All are appreciated, and have helped me in getting through this week. I spent much time in walking, yoga, reading and reflecting this past week; sometimes with friends but mostly by myself. This has been a time of reminding that God is always there, and these quiet times before the storm are for listening to Him, growing closer to understanding of His heart and the meaning of His plans. But this can only happen if we move away from self-centered focus and take time to seek guidance and listen for answers to prayer. Easy to say, but hard to do.
One other difficulty in the coming days will be discussing the situation with my children. While they know that the cancer has reoccurred, the serious implications are not yet clear. This will be emotionally difficult for all of us to discuss, but we must all come to the same level of understanding if we are to spend meaningful time together. In this area especially, I feel great need for prayerful support and guidance.
Bible verse which has been very meaningful this week in daily devotions:
Philippians 4:4-7 (NIV)
"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
Prayer requests for this week:
- Safety of travel for my wife and children from India to our home in the US.
- Wisdom to make the right decision on treatment options, by both ourselves and our doctors.
- Strength to go through the new treatment phase.
- Wisdom and words to express this situation to our children, but yet be a comfort to them as we go through this phase together. That our children may be drawn to a deeper faith in God as a result.
Thank you all. Comments to these Blog posts are encouraging and very welcome.
BRENT
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)