Prayer for Wisdom, Understanding

Dear Lord,

Please have mercy on my family and myself. At this time I need so much wisdom and understanding of how to settle down in this phase of my illness. I just do not feel that I can do this alone. I have so much love and support from my family, but still need Your direction. Please show me signs of how to handle the increasing pain, the emotion of my body degenerating, this risk of letting my mind drift away from keeping spiritual strength which is Your gift to all of us.

Dear Lord, I see my leg muscles turning hard day by day; I feel the pain as my ligaments are pushed away and the cancer passes through my knee into my lower leg. I know that even if I am granted relief for some time in my lungs, the only operation which would be possible to remove my leg cancer will be amputation. Lord, help me to understand why. When I had the original tumor removed from my leg last year, I felt as though given new life. I was thankful and praised my surgeon's skill. But now, as I am forced to daily watch cancer eat away my leg muscles, making me crippled, I feel so .... helpless ..... so ... so .... humiliated. But why do I feel this way ?

Dear Lord, have I been too proud ? Even though I am a quiet person by nature, deep down I still have the same pride as others. I had achieved a habit of running distances, which started later in my life. I was so proud of my achievement, especially being over 40 years old. I was so proud of the way my body reacted to the original surgery; healing so fast and well. I was convinced that I would return to normal activities. I praised my surgeons, I mentally settled back into my routine life as it was in India; but I still did not open more room for You. Why did I miss the real learning opportunity of this experience ? Why did I get so complacent that overcoming this rare and dangerous cancer would be so easy ?

Dear Lord, I feel as though my body is being pealed apart piece by piece, like layers of an onion. At the center, what will remain ? Only two will be there when my body is gone; my spirit and You. At that time, I want to be in Your arms. Please help me get there, with dignity, faith and comfort. Please help me to stop being emotionally down; but help me to find inspiration in my outward appearance and actions, for the sake of my family and especially my children. Help me to remember this poem:

"WHAT CANCER CANNOT DO"
Cancer is So Limited ....
It cannot cripple love,
It cannot shatter hope,
It cannot corrode faith,
It cannot destroy peace,
It cannot kill friendship,
It cannot suppress memories,
It cannot silence courage,
It cannot steal eternal life,
It cannot conquer the spirit.

Dear Lord, please help my children to come through this process with stronger faith in You. Let them not lose faith in You because of my suffering and their loss. Lord, I try to express my faith in the next life to my children, and make them understand. Help me to be up to this task; help me to be worthy of it. Please grant happy days ahead, regardless of the circumstances.

Dear Lord, help me to keep writing, to keep thinking, to keep praying, regardless of my physical condition. Again, grant me peace; and despite my problems, grant me thoughts and caring for others and to continue prayer for those who suffer and need Your healing touch.

AMEN