" This Disease Can NOT Continue To Chase Me After Death "

Yesterday, I met with my church pastor; part of our ongoing dialogue throughout my illness, and support through my passing. We were talking about my difficulty, over the period of cancer treatment, to get any time or space for recovery and activities with my family. I was either too sick from chemotherapy, or cancer-related changes in my body had left me unable to walk or breath effectively, or the cancer had overcome treatments and spread; always just at the wrong time. All plans for family trips came and went, unfulfilled. No attending my son's high school graduation at Woodstock School, India; No visit to New Zealand for the ISF conference; No final fishing trip to Minnesota with my father and sons; And there will be no 20th wedding anniversary for my wife and I, this coming New Year's Eve.

This cancer has been a brutal taskmaster; rapid, aggressive, relentless, unforgiving, no remission, no mercy. At every juncture of this struggle, over the past 15 months, whatever worst could be imagined was delivered by this disease. As a former runner, I would use this analogy: this disease has chased me without stop for over 15 months as I have struggled to keep one step ahead of the pace. Finally, as I approach the finish line of my life, it occurs to me that I am indeed the ultimate winner in this race; because this disease can NOT chase me after the point of death. It can NOT infect my Spirit; and my Spirit will continue live on ... in peace, love, joy, and at rest with the Almighty.

I expressed this insight to my pastor. I greatly respect his intellect and wisdom, and he affirmed the power of that thought. I need to keep my focus on this thought, and its truth, as I face the hardest challenge of my life over the next few weeks; the process of dying from cancer. May this thought help bring me peace and comfort, as well as wonderful expectations beyond the end of my physical existence in this world ....
" This Disease Can NOT Continue to Chase Me After Death "

Short Update

Dear Friends,

I have not been able to write for over one week. I have been suffering from very severe reactions to overdose of pain killers. This built up slowly at first, but then seemed to accelerate one week ago to the point where I was not very coherent for a few days. I won't go into all the side effects, except to say that they caused me to miss one week of time for doing things with my family. I have now stopped taking any pain killers, only to find out that I really don't have much pain in my leg anyway ... what irony (although the leg pain was severe when these drugs were started). It has only been yesterday, when I finally was able to eat a real meal again.

I then attempted a short walk with my wife last evening. After this, pain built up in my right chest which has not gone away. I find it so hard to breath now, when I try to sit or stand. My hospice nurse today confirmed that air is no longer passing normally through my right lung. She has recommend how to manage this new situation; and perhaps find a way to loosen this up for whatever time can be done. I am using supplemental oxygen now, almost continuously. But again, this will prevent activities with my family.

I feel so cheated in losing that week to drug effects. I always thought that perhaps a couple of good weeks would be left to spend with my family in activities. Now one week has been taken away and the disease progression may leave me bedridden soon enough.

I must admit that sometimes this seems so unfair. The recurrence of cancer in my leg prevented so much from being done while my lungs were still usable. The drug overdose took away even the few remaining days of good lung function. When I think of all the memorable activities we could have done together as a family during those precious days, it brings tears.

I remain faithful to the Lord, and have faith in my future with Him. I just wish I understood the purpose of leaving life in this manner ... the larger meaning. But perhaps ours is not to know in this life; our challenge is to be faithful and trust that all will be well in its own time.

As I write this, I don't know what the next days or week will bring. It could be that the progression of my lung tumors will prevent me from writing much in the future; and that my life will now be measured in only a few short weeks.

I would like to end this post with a few simple prayer requests:

-- Prayer for my family; that they may be accepting of this situation and find some larger meaning in my death; that my memory and spirit will continue to live through them.
-- Prayer for physical, mental and spiritual comfort in these final days.
-- Prayer that my passing into the next life will be peaceful for all involved.

This post includes a picture of me, taken by my father before my illness (I'm the one without the tail). This is what I used to look like, and how I wish to be remembered.

With Love,
BRENT

Thoughts on Life, and Death .... with Henri J.M. Nouwen

From the writings of Henri J.M. Nouwen, compiled by Wendy Wilson Greer in:
"The Only Necessary Thing; Living a Prayerful Life"


That God Loves Me is the Basic Truth of Who I Am ....

Try to enter this enormous mystery, namely that you, like Jesus, are the beloved daughter or beloved son of God. This is the truth.

You were the beloved before your father, mother, brother, sister, or church loved you or hurt you. You are the beloved because you belong to God from all eternity. God loved you before you were born, and God will love you after you die.

In Scripture, God says, "I have loved you with an everlasting love." This is a very fundamental truth of your identity. This is who you are, whether you feel it or not. You belong to God from eternity to eternity.

Life is just a little opportunity for you during a few years to say, "I love you too."


Facing Death, With Life and Love ....

Somewhere, deep in me, I sensed that my life was in real danger. And so I let myself enter into a place I had never been before: the portal of death. I wanted to now that place, to "walk around" it, and make myself ready for a life beyond life. It was the first time in my life that I consciously walked into this seemingly fearful place, the first time I looked forward to what might be a new way of being. I tried to let go of my familiar world. I tried not to look back, but ahead. I kept looking at the door that might open to me and show me something beyond anything I had ever seen.

I knew very concretely that He was there for me, but also that He was embracing the universe. I knew that, indeed, He was the Jesus I had prayed to and spoken about, but also that now He did not ask for prayers or words. All was well. The words that summarize it all, are "LIFE" and "LOVE".... Death lost its power and shrank away in the Life and Love that surrounded me in such an intimate way, as if I were walking through a sea moving toward the other shore. All jealousies, resentments, and angers were being gently moved away, and I was being shown that Life and Love are greater, deeper, and stronger than any of the forces I had been worrying about.

One emotion was very strong; that of homecoming. Jesus opened His home to me and seemed to say, "Here is where you belong" .... The risen Jesus, who now dwells with His Father, was welcoming me home after a long journey .... As I felt life weakening in me, I felt a deep desire to forgive and to be forgiven, to let go of all evaluations and opinions, to be free from the burden of judgments.


Trusting in the Catcher ....

When trapeze artists perform in the circus, there is a flyer and catcher. The flyer must simply stretch out his arms and hands, and wait for the catcher to pull him to safety. If the flyer tries to also do the catching, he will fall. The flyer must do nothing.

Jesus said, "Father, into your hands I commend my Spirit". Dying is trusting in the catcher. Do not be afraid. Remember that you are the beloved child of God.

He will be there when you make your long jump. Don't try to grab Him; He will grab you. Just stretch out your arms and hands; and Trust, Trust, Trust.

Prayer .... Native American Chant

Navajo Benedictory Chant ....

Now, talking God.

I walk with your limbs,
Your legs carry forth my body,
Your mind thinks for me,
Your voice speaks through my lips.

Beauty behind me,
Above and blow me,
Hovers the beautiful.
I am surrounded by it,
I am immerse in it.

In my youth, I am aware of it,
In my old age, I shall walk quietly the beautiful trail.

In beauty, it is begun.
In beauty, it is ended.

Dear Mel .... I Accept

Dear Mel, I Accept .... You offer, so eloquently, to help care for my sons when I am gone; I Accept. You offer to put your hands on their shoulders, to remind them how much their father loves them and his spirit dwells within them still; I Accept. You offer to include them in your activities, to keep them growing in mind, body and spirit; I Accept.

Dear Cindy .... You offer to watch for my youngest son as his Sunday teacher; I Accept. I know you will care for my boys' spiritual growth, help guide them to Christ and baptism. I pray every day for my boys' relationship with Christ. For all you offer and will try to do; I Accept.

Dear Trish and Dan .... You offer to encourage my youngest son as he participates in MYF church group; to help him be a part of this wonderful group of high schoolers; to make friends, have fun and live life; I Accept.

Dear Deb .... You offer to guide my son to develop his skill in piano, to nurture his love for music and this instrument, to patiently and gently take him to the height his talent will allow; I Accept.

Dear Terry, Randy, Rhonda .... You offer to be faithful uncles and aunt, to include them with love into your families; I Accept.

Dear Curt and Scot .... You offer to find time and take my sons on outdoor activities which their father always meant to do, but somehow never found the time; I Accept.

To My Family in India .... You offer limitless love, care, and support in such a wonderful way that it goes without speaking; I Accept.

To ALL .... who offer to care for my sons in whatever manner you can; I Accept.

I Accept, with a grateful heart
I Accept, with loving memories
I Accept, with tears in my eyes

A Poem by Emily, to Brighten My Days

This is a poem, written by my 8 year old niece, Emily. It is about her mischievous younger brother, Jonathan. She wrote this to help brighten my days, and lighten my load.

"Jonathan With A Hose"

by Emily Rose Gibson

You try to spray me
That won't work, don't you see ?
I've got protection here
In the form of rain gear.
An umbrella in a reddish hue
It's nice and sturdy too,
You say you'll spray the flowers
But you mean to give me showers.
You try to make me drip
I open my protection quick !
My message should be clear
TURN OFF THE HOSE, DEAR !

A Time to Discontinue Treatments

Dear Friends,

This morning we visited with my doctor to review my immune system profile, and discuss treatment options. It appears that my immune system has decreased to such a point that I am unable to take the next prescribed dose of chemo treatment (which was to be today). If we attempt the prescribed dose on time, then I would likely end up in the hospital for a long period with symptoms similar to acute leukemia. This would also prevent my entry into the Hospice program, and we all agree this type of support is needed now.

I took an immune booster shot today, and will review my blood profile again on Monday. But the truth is that I must be able to take this full-strength chemo as prescribed on time in order to have any chance at the desired palliative effect (intended to slow the cancer temporally). So I will not likely be able to take future rounds of this chemo on time either.

In essence, my body cannot tolerate this chemo; and thus I will not be able to use it to extend my life. If I keep making attempts in this direction, then the last few weeks of my life will be in the hospital. If I discontinue chemo treatments, then my life span may be similar, but these last few weeks will be spent at home under care of a Hospice nurse with better pain and infection management. I will also be among my family at home, and be able to spend some quality time with them on the good days.

The choice is obvious. No doctor has told me my time span, and I have not asked the question. Based on my body, and how changes are occurring, I feel that it may not go beyond the first half of October. But I know that when the time comes, I will be surrounded by love, support, and be made as physically comfortable as possible.

I will try to keep writing entries as inspiration comes, in these last few weeks. I have promise from my father and wife, to convert this blog into a small booklet when I am gone, so it can further be shared with those in need.

God Bless You All.
With Love,
Brent

A prayer for Mel, my friend

Mel is my friend. Mel is a member of my church, who I have known growing up and who I have always looked up to with admiration and respect. Mel is an inspiration, having overcome a severe handicap to lead a productive life, become a wonderful husband and father, and just be a joy for others to be around. Mel has taught us all many lessons.

When I was first diagnosed with cancer metastasis of the lungs, Mel approached me at church with a challenge. Would I write a blog about God's intent for my illness; whether God is somehow punishing me ? or whether God is somehow showing his love for me in ways we cannot understand ? Is our Lord a God of judgment on this earth ?, or is He of love only, in spite of our circumstances ? I was not expecting to hear Mel ask me these questions, and shocked to learn that Mel has been struggling with these concepts in his faith for some time. But I understand that Mel's background could lead to these types of conflicts. I also know that when my time of dying approaches, I owe it to Mel to try and write what I feel; to try and address his question. My strength is beginning to fail me rapidly now; I cannot wait any longer to write my feelings to Mel. Again, I will try to put these down in the form of a simple Prayer.

DEAR LORD,

Help me to know how best to respond to Mel. Help me to put into words those feelings of faith and hope that are coming from You through Your Spirit in me.

Dear Lord, I have never been a great theologian, or someone who can memorize and quote verses from the Bible at a moment notice. Rather, Lord, the faith I have found in You has been simple in nature. But is not simplicity the essence of faith itself ? From the first moment when I prayed a simple prayer for You to enter my heart, I felt such joy from that moment onward in my life. Such joy could only come from Your love, not from any fear of punishment. You are my Father, who loves unconditionally, accepts our faults unconditionally, and who only wants us to return to His arms. I don't have references or study guides to show as evidence; only what has been building in my heart over so many years.

Dear Lord, the very essence of Christ must be Love. You sent Your Son for this purpose only; for the ultimate expression of Love. So why should we doubt Your Love ? Lord, two verses do come to my mind:

"For God so Loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal live. For God did not sent His Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him."

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself."

Dear Lord, please help my friend Mel to come back to the Truth, back to the Light, and to know that You are Love.

AMEN

Prayer for Wisdom, Understanding

Dear Lord,

Please have mercy on my family and myself. At this time I need so much wisdom and understanding of how to settle down in this phase of my illness. I just do not feel that I can do this alone. I have so much love and support from my family, but still need Your direction. Please show me signs of how to handle the increasing pain, the emotion of my body degenerating, this risk of letting my mind drift away from keeping spiritual strength which is Your gift to all of us.

Dear Lord, I see my leg muscles turning hard day by day; I feel the pain as my ligaments are pushed away and the cancer passes through my knee into my lower leg. I know that even if I am granted relief for some time in my lungs, the only operation which would be possible to remove my leg cancer will be amputation. Lord, help me to understand why. When I had the original tumor removed from my leg last year, I felt as though given new life. I was thankful and praised my surgeon's skill. But now, as I am forced to daily watch cancer eat away my leg muscles, making me crippled, I feel so .... helpless ..... so ... so .... humiliated. But why do I feel this way ?

Dear Lord, have I been too proud ? Even though I am a quiet person by nature, deep down I still have the same pride as others. I had achieved a habit of running distances, which started later in my life. I was so proud of my achievement, especially being over 40 years old. I was so proud of the way my body reacted to the original surgery; healing so fast and well. I was convinced that I would return to normal activities. I praised my surgeons, I mentally settled back into my routine life as it was in India; but I still did not open more room for You. Why did I miss the real learning opportunity of this experience ? Why did I get so complacent that overcoming this rare and dangerous cancer would be so easy ?

Dear Lord, I feel as though my body is being pealed apart piece by piece, like layers of an onion. At the center, what will remain ? Only two will be there when my body is gone; my spirit and You. At that time, I want to be in Your arms. Please help me get there, with dignity, faith and comfort. Please help me to stop being emotionally down; but help me to find inspiration in my outward appearance and actions, for the sake of my family and especially my children. Help me to remember this poem:

"WHAT CANCER CANNOT DO"
Cancer is So Limited ....
It cannot cripple love,
It cannot shatter hope,
It cannot corrode faith,
It cannot destroy peace,
It cannot kill friendship,
It cannot suppress memories,
It cannot silence courage,
It cannot steal eternal life,
It cannot conquer the spirit.

Dear Lord, please help my children to come through this process with stronger faith in You. Let them not lose faith in You because of my suffering and their loss. Lord, I try to express my faith in the next life to my children, and make them understand. Help me to be up to this task; help me to be worthy of it. Please grant happy days ahead, regardless of the circumstances.

Dear Lord, help me to keep writing, to keep thinking, to keep praying, regardless of my physical condition. Again, grant me peace; and despite my problems, grant me thoughts and caring for others and to continue prayer for those who suffer and need Your healing touch.

AMEN

Prayer for Relief, Comfort and Support

Dear Lord,

Please have mercy on my family and myself. I pray for relief from the constant pain in my leg. I do not understand why the muscles have become tumorous, or why my cancer in my lungs has again started to grow aggressively. I only know that despite all of this, I still have trust in You and have faith in You. Trust that Your Word is true, and that You will never give me more than I can bear and never leave me alone.

Dear Lord, the experimental drug study at Mayo Clinic has not helped me, and I am down to one final chemotherapy attempt. As I take this final treatment today at Carle Clinic, I give thanks to the doctors at Mayo who have not abandoned me, but offer this new chemotherapy option to help relieve my condition for whatever time is possible. I give thanks to be able to take this treatment in my home town, and be with my family again. I give thanks for the kindness and professional standing of all the doctors at Mayo Clinic; and for how everyone there had made me feel so much at home, and yes, also feel loved and cared for.

Dear Lord, I know my time on this earth is now short. It could be one more month, or 4 more months, or possibly anything in between. But whatever time I am given, please help me make these weeks, days and hours some of the most significant of my entire life. Please grant me relief from this constant pain in my leg; this tumor which continues to form, grow, and prevent my walking. I wish that it could just be removed by a surgeon, but I also know that this would take too long to heal and would prevent any chance of treating my lungs. I pray that this next chemotherapy can help stop the growth of cancer cells in my body, so that I may have more time with my family. I know that the chances of this are small, but You are great and can do anything. But regardless, help me to accept Your will. Your will be done.

Dear Lord, so many times I have prayed for a better outcome from this disease. Prayers by the hundreds and thousands have been said for healing and relief. But there has been no such healing or relief. Despite this, grant me faith and hope; if not for this life then for the next life to come. Again I pray for guidance during the end of this process; for relief from my pain; for grace, dignity and comfort in the days ahead. Not only for myself, but also for those who love and care for me.

Dear Lord, help me not to be angry with this disease. These cancer cells are not foreign, but are made by my own body; they are of me. If I am angry with this disease, then I am angry with You; and I cannot be angry with You. I only want to feel your guidance and comfort. Help me to only feel Your Love, and focus on this as I pass forward into Your arms.

AMEN