Audio / Visual Snapshot of Our Life in INDIA

Dear Friends,

As possibly my final blog entry, I wanted to provide a snapshot of our family life over the past 10 years; most of which were spent in INDIA. While it is not possible to pass around photo albums to everyone interested, it is possible to put together digital images of those years into a slide sequence; and while we are at it, why not set this digital slide show to classical Indian music? In order to accomplish all of this, I had to give it as an assignment to my youngest son, Ben, who is the most techno-savy member of the family. My oldest son, Brian, helped with finding an Internet site to upload and host the slide show file. My wife, Usha, selected the images; while I selected the music.

For those friends and family who have been reading these blog pages over the past months, we hope that this audio / visual presentation will give you some idea of our life during the past 10 years in INDIA (and a few snaps of vacations in the US).

Love And Peace To ALL,
BRENT

Please note that some of these sites which host videos will also arrange video options with related names just above what you are watching. For example, other's videos which also involve the name "Brent", may be posted just above mine. Rest assured, these have nothing to do with me. The only video I have ever posted on the web is the one you will see by clicking the following link :
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-2154689191696447376

I AM NEVER ALONE

The artist of this work is Jeffery Sabol; Mystic, Connecticut. It was sent to me by my friend Jean; who lives in Mystic. I can always count on Jean for a card, picture, puzzle, small toy, or just simple email to let me know how her day went. She also planted a tree in my honor in her backyard, and sent me a couple of leaves for a keepsake.

But this picture, when I received it, immediately had tremendous impact and meaning for this phase of my life.

As in the picture, I cannot see clearly or far ahead; all appears to me to be foggy or misty.

As in the picture, the water below is calm; although I feel my life is turbulent.

As in the picture, I am the first boat, but my sails are down. I cannot go where I am used to going. I have small boats attached, so others can visit me; but I remain stationary on this water (turbulent to me, calm in actuality).

As in the picture, there is a second boat. It is not me, it is Another; it is God's Promise. No matter what the circumstance, I will only be given what I can handle and God will shoulder the rest; for I AM NEVER ALONE. God remains there, by my side, as I glide slowly through these waters from this life to the next.

Another friend asked me about this picture, again today. I don't have as much breath now, as I did a few weeks ago when I received this picture. Trying to again explain the meaning of the picture was a very emotional experience, which I could not get through without tears.

May I continue to use this picture for inspiration, and remembrance of God's Promise during this passage. I AM NEVER ALONE.

BRENT

A Poem About LIFE

This poem was shared with me by a dear friend. It was written by Edith-Marie Appleton (1919-1991), and published in "Miss Edie's Poems" (2000).

"LIFE ?"

I can't understand Life,
It's big, and yet it's small,
Sometimes I think I know it,

But I really don't know at all.

I can't even comprehend,
What is good or bad,
And things that make me happy,
Have also made me sad.

I can't express my feelings,
When I see the sky above,
It always makes me wonder,
And makes me want to love.

I wonder if I'll ever,
In my lifetime comprehend,
This mystery that awes me,
And seems to have no end.

Perhaps when I have left,
This world of sin and strife,
Then and only then,
Shall I understand ... LIFE !

Quilting for Remembrance

Dear FRIENDS,

A few weeks ago, Usha and I were at Mayo Clinic for the second round of my experimental drug trial. We stopped by a small quilting shop next to our hotel. This is a nice little shop, a converted turn of the century house with many nooks and crannies showing unique quilting patterns and supplies. That day, I was having a premonition about my early passing; and talked to Usha about making two quilts, once for each of our boys, as a remembrance of their father. In that quilting shop, there were many patterns based on themes of Northern Minnesota wilderness. These patterns reminded us of many happy days spent boating, fishing and camping at Bowstring Lake and along the Boundary Waters Canoe Area. So we picked out two complicated patterns, one for each son (the pattern pictured on top is for Benjamin, and the pattern pictured on bottom for Brian), and with the idea of finishing them with my remembrance statement and date on the back. However, so far, we have not been able to make any progress on these gifts.

Many friends from our church, First Menonnite Church of Champaign-Urbana (FMC) have offered to help our family in one form or another, but have not been sure exactly what to offer. We have a number of church members at FMC who are skilled in quilting, and a woman's prayer group meets at our house each Thursday evening. This could be the type of project which would be of a great help to Usha and a gift to our family during the coming weeks.

Sincerely,

BRENT

My Faith, My Family ... My Childhood, My Shroud

My Faith, My Family, My Childhood, My Shroud ..... From life's early years to its ending. All are represented through this picture.

My Faith: The Bible as God's Word and Promise, represents my Christian faith.

My Family: My wedding ring represents my strong marriage, and the stuffed snoopy dog which my children embraced while growing up.

My Childhood: The same snoopy dog, which I got on Christmas Day at 10 years of age, and has been passed to my children over time. It will again be passed to my grandchildren through my youngest son.

My Shroud: The large brown cotton shawl which I received as a gift from a group of grateful wheat farmers in India, for my role as Research Director in providing them with a much improved variety of wheat (named "PRATHAM"). This large shawl has been my favorite wrap for those cold winter nights in India. It is so comfortable, that I always told my wife to wrap it around me when I die, for burial. This was always said in a joking manner; but now it has become reality. I will be wrapped in this shawl, as a death shroud, and then cremated. My ashes will be sprinkled in various places the world over; significant places which my wife and I have lived or visited. My wife and children will do this, out of respect and to bring a form of closure to my life on earth ... for everyone.

Much Love to You All,

BRENT

THE MEANING OF IT ALL

Dear Friends,

Since I was diagnosed with spread of my cancer in a form which is incurable, a number of positive things have happened in my life ....

I have felt a strong awakening of my God-given Spirit, which has provided great insight and guidance during this difficult time. I feel as though many years of spiritual growth and maturity have been gifted to me, over just a few months. I wonder what levels of enlightenment could have been achieved if I had just been more open to spiritual growth over my entire life. In a strange way, God may have allowed this disease to take my physical being, but in the process saved my spiritual being for eternity.

Many people have written to me saying how my Blog entries have really changed their perspective on life, increased or renewed their belief in God, or simply awakened an interest in a Higher Being. I honestly did not anticipate such powerful reactions. I originally just intended to share my experiences with friends and family, who are very concerned and want to walk this path with me. This Blog has taken on a life of it's own and is being read and shared among people the world over, many of whom I have never personally met. As I look back on this process, I now understand that these Blog entries are inspired by that Higher Being. Many times I sit with my laptop and just start typing; ideas, words and sentences just seemingly coming from my fingertips - as if I were channeling messages with spiritual inspiration. I really can't credit my own mind for many of these entries. Now I understand that sharing of my experiences, writing down these inspirations, is having a positive effect on other people's lives. I sincerely hope that these writings will continue to help others strengthen their faith in God.

My children have been faced with death of their parent, but are going through this process from the standpoint of walking with God. Through our discussions, and the examples set by adults in their lives, my children are gaining insight into the meaning of faith and the promise of life after death. I can also see my children gaining maturity in their own faith. Deep discussions and questions surrounding God are commonly asked by my children now, which gives more opportunity for us to share together. I am beginning to understand that my passing will ultimately increase my children's interest in spiritual living, and their faith in God. I could not ask for a better legacy than this.

Perhaps there is purpose in my disease; a meaning behind my early demise. If these things I have just described are the true reason for my suffering and death, and this is God's will, then I have to agree that it is worthwhile. My illness has ultimately helped improve other people's lives, given my children strength in their understanding and faith in God, and saved my spiritual life for eternity. This is sometimes the way God works; although we are unable to understand at the time, and it doesn't fit our concept of "fairness".

I am not sure if I will be writing any further entries; it will depend on physical and mental ability, as well as inspiration. Therefore, I am writing as if this is my last entry. My wife and father have promised to finish this blog once I am gone and have it published as a booklet, in order to share with those who have interest. I am sure this will be passed down from my children to grandchildren. Among other remembrances of my life, this will also be a meaningful legacy.

I wish to thank Woodstock School, Mussoorie - India, for the inspiring pictures used in these last two blog entries. This is the school my oldest son attended for his junior and senior years of high school. It is located in the foothills of the Himalaya Mountains, amidst much natural beauty. These pictures are part of many they have posted on their web site.

With Much Love to All,
BRENT

Spiritual Awakening

Dear Friends,

I thought it best to write more entries soon, and not wait too much longer. From yesterday, my lungs have started to lose function at a much faster rate. Even though I take breath, it doesn't feel that I am getting enough oxygen into my system. I am no longer able to breath effectively without oxygen support and medicine. The tightness in my chest is pronounced. So my time is indeed running out. To be honest, I don't feel that any person in this position can really completely accept what is happening. We can talk about it, conceptualize it, but when the disease actually progresses then there is always a level of regret and sadness. This is the case with myself also. Each new phase in the disease progression is marked by tears, which need to be shed to get out the emotions and gain courage to continue with the journey. I am so thankful for my wife, who walks me through this process with her strength and courage.

But regardless of my human weaknesses, there has been another significant experience which has been wonderful for me during this time. I can only describe it as a spiritual awakening. As my body has decreased, my Spirit has risen and given me insight, inspiration and comfort in many ways. I can only attribute this to what the Bible calls the Holy Spirit; which is promised and sent by Jesus Christ to guide our lives and give us the means to draw closer to Him. The first time I felt this Spirit, I was very young (around 10 years old). I remember how my awareness of this Spirit brought great joy and meaning. As we go on with our lives, we tend to get busy with our daily troubles and often do not take time to seek guidance or work on our spiritual growth. But when facing challenges, or life threatening disease, we begin to again frantically search out that Spirit within; pushing aside the clutter of our lives to find It alive and well.

I can attest that this Spirit is indeed still within me, patiently waiting to be allowed to again take control. I have felt a strong spiritual awareness growing since my disease progression, and a certain knowledge of the presence of God in my life. This Spirit speaks to me without actually hearing a voice; rather just placing in my mind a sudden awareness which gives guidance, particularly to overcome my fears and doubt. This Spirit is the reason I started this Blog. I can only describe it as a strong calling that I just knew had to be done, even though I had never before shared such thoughts with others. This instruction from my Spirit was very clear to me at the time, and has given me insight for what to write down. This Spirit leads me to share with others, despite the limitation of my illness. This Spirit is joyful, even child-like in a good way. It gives me assurance of what will come after my death.

I only wish that I have taken more time over these many years to nurture growth of the Spirit in my life, and not to wait until a crisis to call upon God for help and renewal of His Spirit in me. This is certainly a lesson. Trying to lead a spiritual life is something which most of us don't take seriously enough; but I have respect for those who do seek daily spiritual growth in their lives and try to draw closer to God. I believe that God is constantly seeking us; and that what God desires is for us to sincerely seek Him also, even when that seems to be very difficult and far away. To persevere in the search for God is an ultimate act of faith.

My challenge now is to continue to allow this Spirit to lead me, even in suffering. What is to come for me over the next few weeks will be very difficult, frightening and perhaps painful. I need strength and courage beyond what I have now. I need to allow God to guide me through His Spirit, and bring comfort in the knowledge that I am never alone. At some point my Spirit will pass through the window of death and into the sunshine of the next life. No more pain, no more disease, no more sorrow; only peace, joy and unconditional love. Please pray for myself and my family as we go through this time over the coming weeks.

Peace to All,

BRENT

Some Better Days

Dear Friends,

Many prayers have been answered. These past few days have been better than last week. I have felt a normalcy in a number of ways; better appetite, right lung function has come back to match my left, and a bit more energy. I have been able to get around better, and go for a few outings with friends and family.

I have also started having regular discussions with my sons; just our private time, a bit everyday. My oldest son comes home from college just for this, and really helps in discussing things (my youngest son can only listen and absorb what is being said). Sometimes we talk about my condition, my faith in the future, inspirational Bible verses, or just remembering old times in a light hearted manner. It doesn't really matter what we say; it is about taking time to be together. I feel that I am slowly moving toward peace, and God is speaking to me in a gentle way.

God is certainly showing His mercy to my family and myself, by giving us this time together.

Peace to All.
BRENT

Psalm 28:6-7
"Praise be to the Lord, for He has heard my cry for mercy. The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him and I am helped."

My Unfinished Business

Dear Lord,

Please have mercy on my family, friends and myself. Thank you for answering prayers, in so many small ways. Your grace is indeed given to me. I am sorry for not always using my eyes, ears, or heart to recognize your presence and gifts.

Thank you for sending such a wonderful nurse to help us through the process of my passing to the next life. She has perceived my emotional need, and spoken to me in truth of what I must now face. I have not been of sound mind since the days of drug overdose. I have not been able to settle down emotionally since my lungs have begun to lose function. I have not felt Your Spirit surround me, like before. Yet I have Unfinished Business ... I know what it is, but I have tried to ignore this and push it back in time. Now I can feel time coming short; my breath shortens; my life shortens; there is no more time to ignore. This issue must be settled before it is too late, so my mind and heart can come to peace.

Dear Lord, my Unfinished Business is too heartbreaking for me to face alone. I cannot do this without Your guidance, Your strength, Your inspiration. I have not wanted to face this, so I have not sought Your help. Now I come to You with desperation and urgency; just as so often in the past I have ignored You until feeling vulnerable, only then to come running back to You as a child to a parent. Thank you, Lord, for the guidance from those who love me, who know and advise that I need to again drink deeply from Your Word for inspiration, and to allow You to carry this burden for me.

Dear Lord, You know my heart. You know my Unfinished Business is with my children. I am not ready to let go of this life, because I am not ready to let go of my children. How can I be asked to do this ? They are part of me; I am part of them. My boys are the light in my eye, a precious part of my life. So much effort has been put into raising them, teaching them, loving them. I cannot imagine being without them, and they without me. But now ... there is going to be no choice.

Dear Lord, You know my wife and I have been together through this entire illness. We have decided together all things; we have decided together to stop treating the disease. She has given me permission to leave her, and come home to You. But not so my children. They have not made these decisions; they do not understand the full implications of our separation.

But Lord, I know I need permission from my children to leave; I cannot achieve peace in my heart and mind until this is granted from them. And in a very real way they also need to hear from me, permission to go on with their lives when I am gone; to honor my memory, but not to dwell on my absence ... just to enjoy their lives.

Dear Lord, how can I approach them ? How can I place such burden on my youngest son, who is only 14 and not able to fully comprehend ? How can my oldest son be helpful to me, and helpful to my youngest son ? How can I talk about my death, but with gentleness and love ? How can I give them assurance ? How can I help them grow in faith, in the face of such tragedy ? What legacy can I leave to them ?

Dear Lord, please take this burden from myself and my children; carry it for us; give us the inspiration and the words; give us the time to speak well; let us share memories with joy and not feel pain or sadness; guide us in our time together.

Please lead me through this new land, for I have no guide and am overwhelmed by the task. Let me, in silence, hear Your still small voice which speaks to my heart.

AMEN