Fear, Anxiety, and Lament

I have received very nice comments about this blog site, and how it is helpful to others suffering either directly or indirectly from various forms of this disease. I really appreciate these comments, and it has been my intention to focus on positive points as I describe my experiences and feelings. It is relatively easy to spend days thinking about what to say in a blog, and clear the mind to focus on positive points. But to only do this would not be completely truthful, or honest. There are many moments when anxiety and fear take hold of the mind; and when it is all too easy to lament what is thought to be lost from life. These moments come quickly, and for me it has been when symptoms of disease progression appear.

I have had two episodes of coughing small amounts of blood; which have immediately brought on feelings of fear and anxiety. Despite many hours of working on acceptance of my situation and prayer for peace and calm; as soon as this symptom appeared, it resulted in feelings of panic and resignation …. Feelings that this disease is beyond the reach of my doctors, and life’s end will come sooner than expected in a very ugly manner. In other words, I think all patients in this situation can work on emotional and spiritual growth; but when the first real physical challenges arise it is all too easy to fail the test. The first time this happened was just before my new round of chemotherapy began, and was probably brought on by the earlier biopsy which disturbed the largest tumor. The second episode was 10 days after my chemo treatment, and again happened after a long day of visiting with friends who came from out of town; and could have been from the same cause, or could be due to effects the chemo drugs are having on the tumors (good news). Neither time was it serious enough to need medical attention, and soon went away. But the effect on my mental state was really disappointing. The day after my second experience, I had a visit from one of our church elders. As I shared these experiences and my disappointment, he was able to relate to his own experience of having a “false tumor” in his brain. While this turned out to be non-malignant, he also went through a period of doubt about his life and learned to navigate through the emotional ups and downs. What has to be faced are “feelings about the feelings”, and taking the approach that these will pass - even in the worst of times. Dealing with these issues now can bring greater stability for the difficult times we will face in the future.

Another, more trivial, issue relates to a chemo side-effect. I have not had many serious chemo side-effects so far (many friends have been praying that I would tolerate these treatments without serious problems, and it is working), but one constant has been skin rash. With the new chemo drugs, my immune system is under greater stress - and this time I had one particular rash which continued to spread. I tried everything from anti-bacterial cream, to anti-fungal cream, etc., but it keep spreading and itching. My attitude of anxiety about this rash was very irritating to my wife, for what seemed to be such a trivial issue. But to my mind, it represented my body beginning to fail; the long term chemotherapy finally taking an ugly turn … all sorts of fears wrapped up in this simple thing. In the middle of one particularly troublesome night, I got tired of the itching and decided to try the opposite approach – removing all cream and washing with a skin drying soap used normally for skin acne. The next morning, the rash had stopped, and after a few days it was gone. What does it all mean? Stop the panic mode when even little things go wrong, and my body is still functioning well. But more importantly, it is a microcosm of the possibilities. When at first a treatment approach does not work, there is always the possibility that something else will work … so don’t give up; whether a simple rash or cancer itself.

Now, a discussion of lament; the temptation to focus on what we think has been taken away. The following is a note I wrote to my brother soon after my diagnosis of spread to my lungs, and during the week before my family arrived back from India (when I felt most alone). I will paraphrase, because the original was lost when my old laptop computer crashed:

“Sometimes I feel that God has taken away everything I cherish and worked for in my life:
- A future with my children; seeing them grow up, graduate from school, start families of their own.
- A future with my wife; travel and activities we had planned together when the children reached college age.
- My career and the fruits of hard work for the past years; all the rewarding experiences which should be coming now after years of research work to improve our company products.
- Spending what could be the last week of good health in my life, alone without my wife and children.
But still, after all this, I know that God is there and challenging me to grow closer to Him. Perhaps this is what I need to totally focus on growth of my spiritual relationship with God.”

I am only satisfied with the last part of this message. The first part serves no purpose, but is probably something we all must go through. It is part of being human. After return of my family, and going through the first two weeks of new chemotherapy, I can report that nothing has been taken from my life (here and now) and I still feel healthy. So let us do away with lamentation.

Psalm 84 to 91 is inspiring reading, and covers many emotions that are part of the human condition. Some verses which relate to these issues (NIV):

Fear and Anxiety (Psalm 88: 1-4)
“O Lord, the God who saves me, day and night I cry out before you. May my prayer come before you; turn your ear to my cry. For my soul is full of trouble and my life draws near the grave. I am counted among those who go to the pit; I am like a man without strength.”

Seeking God’s Peace and Salvation through Faith (Psalm 85:7-11)
“Show us your unfailing love, O Lord, and grant us your salvation. I will listen to what God the Lord will say; he promises peace to his people, but let them not return to folly. Surely his salvation is near those who fear him, that his glory may dwell in our land. Love and faithfulness meet together; righteousness and peace kiss each other. Faithfulness springs forth from the earth, and righteousness looks down from heaven.”

Finding Strength during the Journey (Psalm 84: 4-7, 12)
“Blessed are those who dwell in your house; they are ever praising you. Blessed are those whose strength is in you, who have set their hearts on pilgrimage. As they pass through the Valley of Baca, they make it a place of springs; the autumn rains also cover it with pools. They go from strength to strength; till each appears before God in Zion. … O Lord Almighty, blessed is the man who trusts in you.”

Taking Refuge in the Lord (Psalm 91: 2-4, 14-16)
“I will say of the Lord, ‘He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.’ Surely he will save you from the fowler’s snare and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.”
“‘Because he loves me’, says the Lord, ‘I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation.”

Recently, I read a newspaper article about a retired school teacher who has now dedicated her life to working with orphans in Africa. Despite a very serious heart condition, she continues to live and work in Africa under very difficult conditions. When asked how she copes, her response was simple … “I have learned to place all things in God’s hands”. May this be the reality for myself, and everyone.

BRENT