"Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart, and wait for the Lord."
Psalm 27:14
To you, O Lord, I lift up my soul. I wait in great anticipation for what you will do in my life today ... prayer by April Yamasaki
Waiting is hard; spiritually productive waiting is even harder. It seems that I am always waiting; for start of new treatment, for relief from my leg pain, for return to health, for direction from God and understanding answers to prayer. How to use waiting as an opportunity for spiritual growth? How to learn patience, and quiet listening for God's instruction through prayer? Surely, waiting is also a discipline that can be learned; but waiting is hard.
I thought it might be useful to share some of the things that I have been doing while waiting over the past two weeks.
First, a couple of health updates, since getting out of the hospital:
-- A check up and X-ray showed that my left lung is doing well (appears healed from the earlier collapse).
-- The large lump in my left leg has shrunken somewhat, and softened. So at least we know that some part of the enlargement is due to fluid accumulation. It is located just below the original surgical site, and is probably inside of a suture site tied by my original surgeon. I now have an appointment with a new surgeon at Mayo Clinic, during my first visit there. I am hoping he can give me some relief, by draining the site. It can be very painful at times, and limits my movement.
-- Usha and I will go to Mayo Clinic on August 1st, and we will be there for about one week while taking a new experimental drug. I want to establish with both an oncologist and a surgeon at Mayo Clinic; because we will no longer be going to New York (where I had my original surgery and chemo treatment).
----------------------------
I have spend the past couple of weeks studying the book of John (NIV). I can't say exactly why I chose this book, other than I was drawn to again reading this account of Jesus' ministry. Some of the verses from John which spoke to me:
John 12:27-28 Jesus discussing his suffering ... "Now my heart is troubled, and what shall I say? 'Father, save me from this hour'? No, it was for this very reason I came to this hour. Father, glorify your name!"
John 14:26-27 Jesus describing sending of the Holy Spirit, peace and courage ... "But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."
Some other verses, suggested by friends:
Isaiah 41:10
I John 5:14-15
Romans 5:1-5
Philippians 4:4-7 (I use these verses daily)
-------------------
Some portion of the correspondence I have had with a good friend, may be useful to share here. It helps in sharing some of my state of mind these past weeks. The following is part of what I wrote, when we were discussing spiritual growth:
"Thanks for this message, and your previous message from a few days back. After spending a week in the hospital, I really have felt physically and emotionally 'beat up'; so I have taken time to just recover and not be active in messaging, or blogging. Spiritually, I don't feel beat up, but rather just more in a waiting mode, to hear what He has for me; why these serious and unexpected detours before we can get to Mayo for the new drug trial. These are questions; but waiting for God's voice without being anxious is a discipline needed to be learned, and I am making progress. When I got to the hospital, I took it in good form (there were worse possibilities than a collapsed lung); but as time went on it was easy to become impatient. I am not happy with my spiritual reaction to my first long term stay in the hospital; but this is just a trial run for God to teach me how to go through these situations in the future with more spiritual strength ............ I appreciate the challenging questions posed in your previous email. Ever since my understanding and acceptance of Jesus as Saviour, and subsequent baptism, I have gone through life with a strong feeling of God being with me in decisions and protecting me in many ways which could be seen at the time and also in retrospect. This is the first experience in my life, when it is easy to feel that God has not chosen to protect me directly; but rather challenge me through this life changing experience. This is a real change in my relationship and understanding of Him; and why I feel need to totally reevaluate my spiritual maturing and relationship. Perhaps this is God's way of challenging, and informing that I have not grown enough and need to take more urgency in study and reflection and prayer; as well as appreciation of relationships with others. I don't know if He is calling me home now, or in the near future; or whether a miracle will cure me and inspire me to a new purpose in life which will more directly use my gifts. Patiently waiting for answers to these questions, in study, prayer and meditation, is where I need to be now. I know that I am surrounded in prayer by so many others, and am grateful for this ........... God has not done this to me; this I know. But for the first time in my life, He has allowed something really bad to happen. How I respond, spiritually, will be my life's story in so many ways. How I respond will also set the tone for how my wife and children grow in the Lord; which is an awesome responsibility for me. I often feel inadequate to the task."
-----------------------
I will end with some prayer requests:
1) For continued health to reach Mayo Clinic on time; and that the new drug given will provide healing and long term option for health. Guidance for the doctors, with judgement for my treatment needs.
2) Healing and relief for the pain in my leg; and for understanding of how and when to treat this new problem in relation to the new drug trial participation. Again, guidance for the new surgeon who will take my case.
3) Improvement in my patience, and learning to wait on the Lord for guidance; with wisdom to hear and understand. Also, improvement in my discipline for study and faithful prayer.
4) To receive God's peace, and be thankful for what we have been given.
-----------------------
Thank you all for the many prayers, cards and gifts. A special thanks to Jeff, Lana and family for the knotted prayer quilt. I counted; there are 63 knots in the quilt, and therefore 63 prayers said during its making. A special gift indeed!
BRENT
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
4 comments:
Dear Brent,
I’m both sorry to hear your further developments & happy to see you always overcome the adversities with greater strength. It takes tons of courage to face the situation, no matter the outcome.
I’m sure that God will guide Mayo Clinic doctors to take right decision for you.
Wishing God gives you greater strength,
Sandeep P S Sandhu
Dear Brent,
Sorry for not keeping in touch with you recently although I often thought about you and your health. Honestly writing, it is even painful to read about all the things that you go through with your health recently but still you spend plenty of time to write to us!! We thank immensely for that and thank the God for giving you the strength to express your health issues. We all sincerely pray to the God everyday to give you physical and mental strength and take away all your pains and let you be like any one of us. Despite many complications, I was glad to read that the tumor growth is controlled at this stage, which gives you some kind of relief. The treatment at Mayo Clinic sounds promising, as it should be able to target the cancer cells. Hope your body able to cope up with the new treatments with high dosage and let there be God's blessing and mercy upon you at all the time.
With prayer,
Kasi
Dear Brent,
You and your family remain in my thoughts and prayers. I try to come back every few weeks to read your blog, but it's been hard to find the right words to submit a response in the past.
After reading your blog on waiting and the ones before that, I wanted to take the time to remind you that we always have hope, even if it's just the size of a mustard seed. Matthew 17:19-20 states, I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, `Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.
Keep hope with you and miracles can happen!
God's blessings to all,
Alka
Dear Brent,
I wanted to let you know that Robert and I have been keeping you in our thoughts and prayers. I understand completely how difficult the WAITING is, but it sounds like you are able to work through it with grace. Our prayers for excellent doctors and good response to treatment are with you as you go to Mayo.
Donita (Shaum) Wheeler
Post a Comment